JEMS

Camilla (age 11): “I started a club at school today for girls who like old things like parasols, fans, gloves, and hoop skirts. If you’re in the club, you’re not allowed to say ‘cringey,’ ‘vibes,’ or ‘hashtag.’ We don’t know what to call the club, though.”

Gibbs: “Sisterhood of the Modern Grievance. No. How about the Jane Austen Memorial Sisterhood? JAMS for short.”

Paula: “How about the Jane Eyre Memorial Sisterhood. JEMS.”

Gibbs: “Yes! Jane Eyre! Everyone in the club has to read Jane Eyre and then take an oath.”

Camilla: “What would the oath be?”

Gibbs: “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.  I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man.  I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now.  Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be.  If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth?  They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.  Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

Camilla: “And you have to put your hand on a copy of Jane Eyre when you say the oath.”

Daft

The sort of person who pays to be cryogenically frozen in hope of being brought back to life in the future suffers from the worst kind of stupidity and naivete.

If someone cryogenically frozen a hundred years ago (in 1921) were brought back to life today, that person would be condemned and cancelled within moments of regaining consciousness. Likewise, anyone from our day who was restored to life a hundred years from now would wake to charges of racism, sexism, and dozens of even worse accusations of thought crimes that don’t even exist yet, not to mention punishments that don’t exist yet either.

Physician, Heal Thyself

“When the classroom experience goes dead, it is tempting to blame the students falling asleep in the front row, or the mouthy kid who is mouthing off more than usual, or your coworkers who assign a demoralizing volume of homework, but at the end of the day, someone has to take responsibility for the mood of second period and that someone must be the teacher.”  

-From “When You Are Finished With The School Year Before It Is Finished With You,” my latest for CiRCE.

Fantino

I was watching the 90s channel on Pluto TV this evening and Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So” video came on. It reminded me of high school, when someone might have asked me to explain myself–my purpose in the world, my ethos, my intentions, my soul–and I could have played a single four-minute song which more or less summed up everything I wanted to say in response. “Who am I? Well, have you heard ‘Fake Plastic Trees’? That’s me.”

At some point, though, you stop fantasizing about people asking you such questions.

Why I Bought My Teenage Son An Invisibility Cloak

“You can’t be too careful these days, and when you know your child has an invisibility cloak, you feel a lot better about letting him leave the house. If he ever gets lost in a bad part of town and some unsavory characters start following him, he can put on his invisibility cloak and get away easily and quickly. There are more than six hundred mass shootings every year in America, and I want to know that if someone opens fire at Carter’s school, or the mall, or a movie theater, Carter can slip on his invisibility cloak and evade being shot. These are rather obvious safety features of an invisibility cloak, but it can also be used to get out of risky social situations. If he’s at a party and everyone begins smoking marijuana or drinking liquor, Carter might feel pressured into doing it. If he didn’t have an easy out, he might make a decision he would regret. However, with an invisibility cloak, he can excuse himself to the restroom and just not return to the party. That way he could avoid a potentially embarrassing situation where he had say “No,” and make a scene.

Statistically speaking, I know Carter is not likely to find himself in an active shooter situation, and to be honest, the real reason I bought him an invisibility cloak is because it will help him grow closer to his friends.”

Read the rest of Why I Bought My Teenage Son An Invisibility Cloak on the CiRCE website.

Overgrown Adolescents: Rise of the 18-34 Year-Old

“Once Americans hits the age of 18, their tastes are not expected or required to change all that much for the next sixteen years. Between 18 and 34, a person will likely leave home, go to college, graduate college, and enter a career. The average age of a first-time homebuyer in this country is 32. So far as successful corporations are concerned, though, none of these events is expected to make much of an effect. Even marriage benignly bounces off a fellow, creating no more indelible a mark on his priorities than smoke on the wind. Life itself is not thought an important enough thing to warrant significant change.”

-from Overgrown Adolescents, my latest for CiRCE