A Dichotomy

A. “Christianity is not about what you do. It is about what Christ has done. Christianity is not about scoring Brownie points with God. It is all about grace.”

B. “The problem with Christianity today is all the fake Christians out there. The Christians who aren’t really committed to God. They go to church on Sunday, but they don’t live like Christians. They talk the talk, but they don’t walk the walk.”

Pick one. You cannot have it both ways.

A One Act Play About The Bible

Tom: I only believe what the Bible teaches.

Harry: I only believe what the Bible teaches, too.

Tom: I guess we believe all the same things.

Harry: The Bible says, “Call no man on earth father.” Do you call anyone on earth “father”?

Tom: Just my father.

Harry: But that’s not what the Bible says.

Tom: I guess I think that verse means something different than it seems to say.

Harry: Oh.

Tom: Do you believe that the earth spins round and round?

Harry: No.

Tom: But the Bible says that God fixed the world so that it shall never be moved.

Harry: I guess I think that verse means something different than it seems to say.

Tom: We have both used the expression “something different than it seems to say.”

Harry: That’s true. What do you think the expression means?

Tom: Maybe it means that we both have different *ways* of reading the Bible.

Harry: Maybe the word “traditions” is another word for the word “ways.”

Tom: That is true.

Harry: Perhaps it wasn’t terribly helpful for us to say that we only believe what the Bible teaches.

Tom: I am glad we had this conversation. Let’s learn more about traditions now, and learn more about the Bible in the process.

Cool Teacher: A One Act Play

Veteran teacher: Hey new teacher what are some of your favorite poets?

Cool teacher: (puts on sunglasses) I like Dylan.

Veteran teacher: Oh, the modernist Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. Yes, he’s quite amaz—

Cool teacher: No.

(Cool teacher drags on cigarette while mounting 1966 Triumph Bonneville motorcycle and looking off toward the horizon)

Veteran teacher: Wha—

Cool teacher: Bob. Dylan.

Veteran teacher: Well, now that’s an amazing opinion to have!

Cool teacher: (removing sunglasses) His version of “Must Be Santa” kills me.

If “Star Wars” Were Homework And Students Were Quizzed On It

Gibbs: On the quiz, when asked, “Did you finish watching all of the original Star Wars trilogy over the summer?” you answered, “Yes.” Do you want to stick with that answer?

Student: Yes. How come?

Gibbs: That’s a little hard to believe based on the way you answered the other questions on the quiz.

Student: What do you mean?

Gibbs: When asked, “Who cuts off Luke Skywalker’s hand?” you circled “C. Princess Leia cuts off Luke’s hand.”

Student: Is that not the way you interpreted it?

Gibbs: It is not.

Student: I watched the film pretty late at night. I don’t remember everything clearly. But I did watch it.

Gibbs: When asked, “What is the name of the small green mentor who tutors Luke on the swamp planet of Dagobah?” you wrote, “Hoopty.”

Student: Is that not his name?

Gibbs: It is not.

Student: All the characters have pretty strange names, though, am I right?

Gibbs: His name is “Yoda.”

Student: (pause) I mean, you can totally understand how I’d make that mistake.

Gibbs: It’s far more understandable than some of your other answers.

Student: Did I get something else wrong?

Gibbs: You watched the films?

Student: Definitely.

Gibbs: On the matching section, you paired “Millennium Falcon” with “makes gorilla-like noises.”

Student: He does.

Gibbs: He doesn’t.

Student: Doesn’t that seem pretty subjective?

Gibbs: No.

Student: I thought his noises were gorilla-like.

Gibbs: The Millennium Falcon is a space ship.

Student: If you ride him like a space ship, then sure.

Gibbs: You paired “Han Solo’s primary means of transportation” with “Lando Calrissian.”

Student: I’ll admit I wasn’t entirely sure about that one.

Gibbs: Fair enough.

Student: Was there anything else?

Gibbs: “If you had to describe Darth Vader in one word, what would it be?” You answered, “darthy.”

Student: I think it’s pretty easy to see how he got his name.

Gibbs: Would you say he’s the darthiest character in the film?

Student: Some people would certainly say so.

Gibbs: Any other characters that strike you as darthy?

Student: Well, the Millenium Falcon has his moments.

Gibbs: What about Yoda?

Student: Maybe, but like I said—

Gibbs and Student: (simultaneously) It was pretty late!

Gibbs: Yes. Your summary of Return of the Jedi was fascinating.

Student: There were some parts of that one I didn’t understand. I need to watch it again. Really complex story.

Gibbs: “The Jedi returns but everything is not okay. People have changed, but so have situations. With the change in situation, the Jedi must reevaluate everything he knows, but this is especially difficult because situations are not in the same condition they were in before. It’s a spiritual battle. In the end, the Jedi returns with the right decision for his circumstances at the right time.” You underlined the word “right,” I should add.

Student: For emphasis.

Gibbs: How would you say the plot of The Empire Strikes Back was different?

Student: Different situation, right? Different situation and different circumstance.

Gibbs: Your description of The Return of the Jedi was curiously similar to your description of To Kill A Mockingbird on last year’s final.

Student: How so?

Gibbs: I made a photocopy of that essay last May. I have it here. “The mockingbird killer ponders the circumstances of his actions, especially in light of the fact that his situation is not what it once was.”

Student: Situations are a pretty important theme in Western storytelling.

Gibbs: A greater theme than circumstances?

Student: That is the question, isn’t it?

Gibbs: It really is.

The Beginning of a Modern Parable

It will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he began to go on his journey, but before he could leave, the mother of the servant who had been given one talent came to the man and said, “We need to talk about the way you treated my son.”