I deleted my Facebook account three and a half years ago, but I downloaded the entire account and look at the pictures every now and again. Tonight I went through a few years worth of old posts, most of which are pointless, and found the following posts which seemed worth saving, most of which pertain to my eldest:
One. Me: Who locked the front door?
Camilla: Not me.
Beatrice: Not me.
Me: Well, momma is gone, so it was one of you two.
Camilla: It wasn’t me.
Beatrice: It wasn’t me.
Me: Who locked the door?
Camilla: It wasn’t me.
Beatrice: It wasn’t me.
Me: Camilla, did you lock the door?
Camilla: No.
Me: Beatrice, did you lock the door?
Beatrice: No.
Me: Beatrice, did Camilla lock the door?
Beatrice: No.
Me: Camilla, did Beatrice lock the door?
Camilla: Yes.
Me: Beatrice, did you lock the door?
Beatrice: No.
Me: Beatrice, do not lie to me. Did you lock the door?
Beatrice: No.
Me: Did you lock it?
Beatrice: No.
Me: (holding up icon of the wedding at Cana) Did you do it?
Beatrice: No.
Me: Tell Jesus you did not lock the door.
Beatrice: I locked it.
Me: You did?
Beatrice: Yes. I locked it.
Two. Camilla brings a half dollar to me.
Camilla: Who is on this coin?
Me: John F Kennedy. He was a president who was assassinated in 1963.
Camilla: Was he important?
Me: I suppose every president who is assassinated becomes important. He was also the only Catholic man who has been president.
Camilla: You mean George Washington was Orthodox?
Me: Uh, no.
Camilla: Who is president now?
Me: Barack Obama.
Camilla: Ha ha! Is that a stage name, like “Lady Gaga”?
Me: No, it is his real name.
Camilla: Are you going to put this on Facebook?
Three. Paula: Camilla, would you get my wallet?
Camilla: (running off) Ooh-da-lolly!
Four. Camilla wrote on a friend’s valentine, “You are my third best friend.” When asked who her first two best friends were, she said Jesus and Peter Pan.
Five. Me: David Bowie died last night.
Camilla: Oh, no! I hope he used his life properly!
Six. Camilla regarded a decorative placard which said, “You Light Up My Life,” and remarked, “That’s nice, but if it said, ‘Light Up My Life, You,” that would be very demanding.”
Seven. “God is like Obi-Wan. He comes to you in your mind.”
Eight. Camilla: There’s a cemetery.
Me: What’s a cemetery?
Camilla: It’s a place for dead people and for living people who respect them.
Nine. Camilla got a rabbit fur scarf from her grandmother for Christmas.
Camilla: Rabbits are the only animals that are soft enough to kill and wear.
Me: Well, there are others.
Camilla: Like horses?
Me: I don’t think horses have fur.
Camilla: Hamsters are soft and have fur, though.
Ten. Me: We’re both going to school today.
Camilla: That’s right.
Me: Where do we go to school?
Camilla: Veritas. Veritas is an old Indian name.
Me: It’s an old Latin name.
Camilla: It’s an old Latin name that might have belonged to an Indian.
Eleven. Camilla: Pie is an old kind of dessert.
Me: That’s true. Who told you that?
Camilla: The things that cannot talk told me that.
Twelve. Pulled out the Bible this evening to read from early Exodus.
Me: Camilla, whose story are we reading?
Camilla: Moses.
Me: What is Moses trying to do?
Camilla: He is trying to get God to stop hurting the Egyptians
Thirteen. Camilla: If you make good music, then you’re a good person.
Gibbs: That is sometimes true, but not always.
Camilla: What about David Bowie? He made good music and he was a knight. He was a servant of the queen. That’s good.
Gibbs: That is true, and it was good he served the queen. But David Bowie lived a life full of sin. He didn’t really pursue virtue until he was quite old. When you think of David Bowie, you should pray for his soul.
Camilla: Well, it’s good he pursued virtue when he was old. What about Michael Jackson?
Fourteen. Gibbs: What are you writing?
Camilla: My autobiography.
Gibbs: What’s the first line?
Camilla: (turns over to first page) “Hello.”
Gibbs: What’s the second line?
Camilla: “There, I said it.”
Gibbs: What part are you on now?
Camilla: Chapter two.
Gibbs: What’s chapter two about?
Camilla: How I want a horse.
Fifteen. Camilla: Have you ever heard of someone being named ‘Beef’?
Paula: No. Why? Have you?
Camilla: (sadly) No.
Sixteen. Gibbs: The Son is God, but so is the Father. But the Son and the Father are different.
Camilla: This is very hard to understand.
Gibbs: It is a mystery.
Camilla: Trixie Belden solves mysteries.
Seventeen. Camilla: I want to go swimming in the Trevi Fountain. Dad, has anyone ever gone swimming in the Trevi Fountain?
Me: Famously, yes.
Camilla: George Washington?
There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. 