Teenagers Are A Spoiled Lot

Generally speaking, teenagers are a selfish and spoiled lot. When they do not like the rules, they complain, and when complaining does not work, they simply break the rules. Teenagers have a hard time comprehending the rather simple idea that they are not yet ultimately responsible for how things turn out, and that this means they don’t get to write the rules. Power and accountability go hand in hand, and the man who is not yet legally accountable for his actions has no place determining the law. When well-meaning students ask about the rules, and why the rules are so stupid and unfair, I say, “You do not know the whole story. The people in charge know the whole story. There are reasons for making these rules which have not been made plain to you. The rules exist to protect the weak, the poor, the sick. The only way to explain the rules to you would be to embarrass the weak, the poor, and the sick by outing them,” and not always, but often enough, I hear, “But the rules are still dumb.” There is no reasoning with some people.

What is more, teenagers take the world for granted. A fifteen year old boy will present himself to the world as quite the rebel, even while his mother still buys his underpants. Teenagers are fed and clothed and cared for and protected by adults, they offer little thanks, and insist that the adults are nonetheless out to get them simply because they are not allowed to wear their rain boots to school when it is not raining. “Tuck in your shirt and then I will teach you to be wise,” says the adult to the teenager, and you would think the adult had just cracked a whip and said, “More bricks! Less straw!” Whine, complain. Complain, whine. Teenagers are an ungrateful bunch, I do declare.

However, I would never say that teenagers are especially ungrateful. I mean, they’re not adults, for God’s sake. So far as stages of human life go, the teenager complains comparatively little. While teenagers complain about rules they don’t like, and sometimes break those rules, adults do something far more insidious when they encounter rules they don’t like: adults go off and change the rules.

When adults don’t like the lyrics to old hymns, they change them.

When they don’t like old translations of the Bible? Change them.

Don’t like old cultural traditions? Abandon them.

Don’t like old Christian traditions? Throw them under the bus.

Don’t like old Christian beliefs? Confine them to the realm of superstition.

Teenagers have a relatively short and simple set of demands. They want to dress as they like, listen to their music, and hang out with their friends until late in the evening. In my many years of teaching, I have occasionally encountered a more daring manifesto from one or two high school seniors, but teenagers really are fairly straightforward creatures. Adults have scores of demands, though. They want to overthrow perennial institutions, kill God, change the world, travel the world, have an affair, build roads and bridges and canals and get someone else to pay for it. While it is somewhat true that adults are the ones responsible for how things turn out, adults are not the ones who have to deal with the way things turn out. Adults rarely pay for overly hasty changes in the rules. Adults want to overthrow ancient institutions and conventions and then bequeath the rubble to their grandchildren.

Adults are particularly aware of teenage complaints because teenagers are generally complaining about adults. Adults are less aware of how much they themselves complain because they complain about God and generally try to stay a safe distance from God. If adults more regularly drew near to God, perhaps they would hear God say, “You sure complain a lot,” but adults have a habit of ducking out of whatever room or house or neighborhood or continent God might be in, so we are oblivious to how much we complain. Meanwhile, God supplies rain, mercy, avenues to holiness, the Church, answers to prayer, economic prosperity, relative political peace, although adults are generally too caught up in the fact that they have put on a little weight lately, or that their spouse has done so, and so “life is just basically falling apart.” Adults are worse than teenagers. Teenagers want to wear their rain boots and will pout if they do not get their way. Adults want to bend and twist reality itself.

Review (Sort Of): Francis Ford Coppola’s “Megalopolis”

For around twenty years, when discussing “the worst movie of all time,” I’ve gone back and forth on three films: Random Hearts, Cool World, and Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows. All three are bad in different ways: cloying, grating, grasping, hollow.

There’s a new kid in town, though.

I saw Megalopolis late last week and while I’d heard mixed reviews, this is Francis Ford Coppola, the guy who made Apocalypse Now, which is one of the best Harrowing Journeys ever committed to celluloid.

And yet, less than half way through the first act of Megalopolis, there was no way around the fact it was bad. And not just bad, but stupid. Dumb. Lame. Weak. Thin. And all the badness was magnified by the fact the person telling the story obviously thought he was doing some next level stuff.

Everything about this film is bad. Coppola managed to get career-worst performances from the usually-reliable Adam Driver, but also Jason Schwartzman, Dustin Hoffman, and Giancarlo Esposito. The editing is bad. The music is bad. The costuming is preposterous. The script sounds like it was written by a sophomore boy in a beret. I’ve seen original dramas written by teenagers performed in community theaters that were more sophisticated.

I thought of walking out for the first thirty minutes, and yet I kept wishing the movie would get worse and it kept giving me what I wanted. Megalopolis isn’t a film that has a few clunky moments, or a few thematic strands that don’t pan out. Rather, there’s something goofy, stupid, incompetent, cringe, baffling, pretentious, false, or hollow that happens around every thirty seconds for the entire run time. If you took a shot every time something dumb happened, you’d be drunk six minutes into this film. In twenty minutes, you’d be dead.

And yet, Megalopolis is so bad that you should see it. And you should finish it, because just when the movie can’t possibly get dumber, it does, all the way through the final fade to black. See it, and I defy you to name me a worse motion picture.

Come Hear Me Tell High-Wire Truths By The Beach

“There are several weak spots through which many worldly ideas enter our [classical Christian] schools: the Instagram and TikTok accounts of students and the LinkedIn accounts of administrators. LinkedIn is as bad for administrators as Instagram is for sophomore girls. Instagram is where teenage girls go to learn about wellness trends, trauma, therapy, and it’s where they go to envy one another’s clothes and bodies. LinkedIn is where school administrators go to learn the latest business jargon and to envy one another’s building projects and networks.”

-from the talk I am giving at the ACCS Administrator Summit in St. Augustine this week. There’s still room for registration.

Teacher Appreciation Week Ain’t What It Used To Be

“The decline of Teacher Appreciation Week is either a random phenomenon or it means something, and I think it the latter. We can’t explain away the current state of Teacher Appreciation Week on the grounds that no one has the time, energy, or money for little parties and treats that they once had, because at roughly the same pace that Teacher Appreciation Week has fallen off, senior year has morphed into a nine-month-long Instagram-worthy bash. It’s not that people don’t have the energy for catered lunches and little gifts anymore. It’s just that they’re far less interested in giving those things to teachers.”

-my latest article for CiRCE is available here

The Chiastic Structure of “Dumb and Dumber”

A: Lloyd pauses by side of the road, leers at beautiful woman.

B: Mary rejects Lloyd.

C: Dead parrot.

D: Boy scammed out of money/money spent.

E: Mental is poisoned.

F: Lloyd pees while in transit.

G: Exchange of vehicles: van traded in for moped.

H: Harry walks back to Providence/ Harry and Lloyd get back together.

F’: Harry pees while in transit.

G’: Exchange of vehicles: moped traded in for Lambo.

E’: Harry given laxatives.

D’: Kidnappers scammed out of money/money spent.

C’: Dead owl.

B’: Mary rejects Lloyd.

A’: Bus of beautiful women pauses by side of the road, women leer at Lloyd and Harry.

H’: Harry and Lloyd get back together/Harry and Lloyd walk back to Providence

It’s interesting that the very end of the film calls back to the center of the film. Ancient stories often placed the thematic climax of a story in the middle, modern stories place the climax at the conclusion. Dumb and Dumber sort of does both.

Side note: while I haven’t watched it with a pen and paper in hand, I’m pretty sure that Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood is also chiastically structured. It’s definitely the most tightly structured film of the last twenty-five years.