There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity.

This is one of those weird songs that a very few people are deeply attached to. I am one of them.

1. Heat up the leftovers in the oven, then serve on regular plates.

2. Burn the house down. Buy a new house and new dishes that are already clean.

“The decline of Teacher Appreciation Week is either a random phenomenon or it means something, and I think it the latter. We can’t explain away the current state of Teacher Appreciation Week on the grounds that no one has the time, energy, or money for little parties and treats that they once had, because at roughly the same pace that Teacher Appreciation Week has fallen off, senior year has morphed into a nine-month-long Instagram-worthy bash. It’s not that people don’t have the energy for catered lunches and little gifts anymore. It’s just that they’re far less interested in giving those things to teachers.”

-my latest article for CiRCE is available here

The first two episodes of “In the Trenches” are available now. Tap the link below to listen. You can also subscribe to “In the Trenches” on Apple here.

“The check is in the mail.”

“On my way.”

“We’ve got a very special community here.”

A: Lloyd pauses by side of the road, leers at beautiful woman.

B: Mary rejects Lloyd.

C: Dead parrot.

D: Boy scammed out of money/money spent.

E: Mental is poisoned.

F: Lloyd pees while in transit.

G: Exchange of vehicles: van traded in for moped.

H: Harry walks back to Providence/ Harry and Lloyd get back together.

F’: Harry pees while in transit.

G’: Exchange of vehicles: moped traded in for Lambo.

E’: Harry given laxatives.

D’: Kidnappers scammed out of money/money spent.

C’: Dead owl.

B’: Mary rejects Lloyd.

A’: Bus of beautiful women pauses by side of the road, women leer at Lloyd and Harry.

H’: Harry and Lloyd get back together/Harry and Lloyd walk back to Providence

It’s interesting that the very end of the film calls back to the center of the film. Ancient stories often placed the thematic climax of a story in the middle, modern stories place the climax at the conclusion. Dumb and Dumber sort of does both.

Side note: while I haven’t watched it with a pen and paper in hand, I’m pretty sure that Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood is also chiastically structured. It’s definitely the most tightly structured film of the last twenty-five years.

“What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’

‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.

Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.

Which of the two did what his father wanted?” [asked Jesus]

“The first,” they answered.

Tom: Why should the devil have all the good music?

Harry: You mean like Bach?

Tom: No, not like—

Harry: Haydn? Monteverdi? Tallis? Josquin des Prez?

Tom: No, like modern stuff.

Harry: Arvo Pärt?

Tom: No, he’s—

Harry: John Tavener?

Tom: No, he’s too churchy. That’s not what I’m referring to.

Harry: Eric Whitacre?

Tom: Who? No. I don’t know who that is.

Harry: Who are you talking about?

Tom: I mean, like, The Flaming Lips. The Flaming Lips are amazing. They—

Harry: Never heard of them. Do they sound like Chumbawamba?

Tom: What? No. Not at all.

Harry: Chumbawamba isn’t churchy.

Tom: That’s not my point.

Harry: I bet the devil likes Chumbawamba.

Tom: Why?

Harry: They’re not churchy. Neither are The Black Eyed Peas. Do they belong to the devil?

Tom: I don’t know.

Harry: You said the devil shouldn’t have all the good music and I wondered if you were referring to “My Humps.”

Tom: Obviously not. That song is terrible.

Harry: Does the devil think it’s terrible, too?

Tom: Look, my point is—

Harry: Your point is the devil likes The Black Eyed Peas.

Tom: Geez, there’s no talking to you. I’m going home.

Harry: Have fun listening to Chumbawamba with the devil.

When Virgil first encounters Dante, he asks him why he won’t climb the hill “shawled in morning rays.” Dante does not answer, though. He is too ashamed. After hearing Dante’s response, Virgil knows that Dante is in no position to climb the mountain.

This is divine love, though.

When God will not help you ascend, He will help you descend. When God will not help you rise, He will help you fall.

“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations by teaching them how to think, not what to think.”