There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity.

“Teachers want administrators who are around. Administrators need to be present. They need to put in lots of face time every week. Headmasters at big schools may disappear for days at a time, but not weeks at a time. On the other hand, principals and deans need to be in the middle of things every day so they can hear the gossip, griping, and horseplay of students between classes. Principals and deans need to run into teachers six, seven, eight times a day in the hallway, on the quad, at lunch, and while getting coffee in the break room. Teachers need a regular supply of evidence that administrators are genuine co-laborers and co-sufferers. Administrators should know what’s going on in the student body and the faculty because they’ve seen it, not merely because they’ve heard  about it. Administrators who aren’t physically in the middle of things eventually turn into deaf, distant bureaucrats.”

-from my latest for CiRCE   

If you’re in town, please come.

Conservatives are obsessed with pilling. Everybody is getting this-pilled and that-pilled. The pills aren’t even colors anymore. There are noun-pills and idea-pills. Even modest changes of mind constitute a pilling of some sort.

“I wanted to go to Wendy’s for lunch but Tony Whopper-pilled me and we went to Burger King, instead.”

“We were going to walk but Cheryl car-pilled me and so we drove.”

“So I’m sick, and I was going to take DayQuil in its liquid form, but Mark pill-pilled me and I took gel caps instead.”

Comic, but by no means a joke. This is wonderful.

“By not cursing in rush hour traffic, thou hast found the way to divine contemplation/

And by working nine to five at a mind numbing desk job for twenty years to feed thy family thou hast broken the snares of the enemy/

By not judging the people of Walmart thou has shown thyself to be an enlightener O pure one/

Thou has kept the faith through the raising of teenage daughters, O holy husband and daddy Bob, pray to Christ God to save our souls.”

Proudly center-right theologians all got the memo to make a lot of “not political,” steely-eyed, vaguely prophetic observations and pregnant Biblical allusions on Twitter today.

Teacher: Can we talk?

Board chair: Sure.

Teacher: I’m here on behalf of a group of teachers who are concerned about your decision to make former MTV-VJ and Encino Man star Pauly Shore the headmaster of this school.

Board chair: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Teacher: He doesn’t have a classical bone in his body. He doesn’t read old books. No one on the faculty can possibly respect someone who is so obviously out-to-lunch.

Board chair: Sure, but he’s got a lot of connections and he’s going to bring in some serious donations over the next year.

Teacher: Do you have any concern for teacher morale? You’re not worried about how teachers will respond to Pauly Shore being made the head of this school?

Board chair: Look, it’s not like he’s ever going to be around. You’re not going to work with him, for crying out loud. He’s basically just going to play golf with rich people and ask them for money.

Teacher: He doesn’t need to be headmaster to do that.

Board chair: It’s simpler if he’s headmaster. It streamlines the pitch he makes.

Teacher: You’re not worried that teachers will quit?

Board chair: No.

Teacher: They will quit, sir, because–

Board chair: I know they’ll quit, but I’m not worried about it. It’s easier to find ten new teachers than it is to find someone with Pauly Shore’s connections.

Teacher: You’re going to lose teachers that have been at this school for years.

Board chair: Every old teacher used to be a new teacher.

Teacher: You’re not worried that the quality of education at this school will drop if you lose so many old teachers?

Board chair: Quality of education? Are you serious? We hired Pauly Shore as headmaster.

Teacher: … I don’t entirely know how to understand what you just said.

Board chair: Obviously, you’re not the kind of guy Pauly will find it easy to work with.

Teacher: I thought we weren’t going to be working together.

Board chair: Well, now you’re really not going to be working together. Clear out your desk.

In my experience, fully grown middle management enjoy using the word “pivot” about as much as eighth grade boys love an opportunity to say “bleed out,” “fubar,” “first to know, first to go,” or any other expression they can crib from Navy Seals. It makes them feel so grown up.