For All Of Us, Really

Dad: It’s been a while since we had a family meeting and I thought it would be helpful for us to talk about how things are going. If you ask me, things are going well. Really well. The raise I got in November has enabled us to purchase a new car, buy a small vacation home in Tahoe, and we’ve redone the bathroom in a grand style. Tony made honor roll again—good job, Tony. All of Sandy’s teachers say she’s doing really well, too. This might seem like an odd thing to bring up in front of everyone, but mom has lost eighteen pounds since Christmas. That’s just really amazing. Becky, I’m so proud of you. You’re my rock. Sniffy’s back surgery in February was a complete success and that meant we didn’t have to find a new dog, which is also amazing. We all love Sniffy. Sniffy, you’re my rock, too. Just a little joke. Seriously, though, we love you Sniffy. And in March we all went and saw the rerelease of Return of the Jedi and that was a good time. So from my perspective, things are just great in the family.

Tony: That’s it?

Dad: I know there’s more to say, but I don’t think it needs to be said in the family meeting.

Sandy: If not during the family meeting, then when? Mom hasn’t cooked dinner in four months. You’re sleeping in the basement. Tony’s honor roll status was revoked when he got caught cheating on a math exam.

Tony: Sandy is getting sued by State Farm.  

Dad: Yes, some of those things may be true. But Sandy was eighteen when the accident happened which was a mercy to our family, although it has been hard for Sandy. That’s true. Look, we’ve definitely had our challenges and our struggles, but everyone does, and I think it’s amazing we’ve come out so well.  

Sandy: You kicked me out of the house for three weeks in March because “my energy was off” and you needed to finish the paperwork on the Tahoe house. I had to stay with grandma.

Dad: You love your grandma, though, and it was a sweet time for you both.

Mom: The money for Sniffy’s back surgery came out of the family vacation fund.

Dad: But we had the money and that’s what counts.

Mom: It didn’t come out of your boat fund.

Dad: Well, I worked hard for that money.

Mom: You were also the one who broke Sniffy’s back.

Dad: Now, that was ruled an accident. I was carrying a very large, heavy object and I didn’t see Sniffy.

Sandy: You were carrying a case of Scotch to your mancave.

Dad: It’s not a mancave. We’ve discussed this. It’s an enclosed domestic professional liaison venue and I need it for work.

Tony: And what are you going to do in your enclosed domestic professional liaison venue? Make more money for your boat fund?

Sandy: If we had taken Sniffy to a better surgeon, he might not pee on the floor all the time.

Dad: Now, stop it. All of you, stop it. God has been very good to us. He’s blessed us immensely. Not everybody lives in a nice house like ours. Not everyone has the essentials of life. Sure, there have been some bumps along the way, but families have to stick together.

Sandy: Even when their “energy is off”?

Dad: That’s different. Look, I just want to make sure that everybody’s in a good mood when the news crew shows up later. The Gatlinburg NBC affiliate doesn’t give Father of the Year to just anybody. This could be huge for me. For all of us, really.