Dilbert In Hell

“Screwtape: What sort of things is this friend going to tell him to do?

Wormwood: Shape up. Come to work on time, not look so hungover every Monday morning, stop being quite so flirtatious with the secretary.

Screwtape: This coworker sounds like a bad influence, but you have a number of options.

Wormwood: I knew you could help.

Screwtape: If your patient doesn’t like the message his coworker gives, he should complain about the medium.

Wormwood: What do you mean?

Screwtape: If the coworker tells him to shape up via email, your patient should respond that a phone call would have been more appropriate. If the coworker tells him via phone call, your patient should tell him an in-person meeting would have been more appropriate. If the coworker tells him in person, your patient should say that he “feels cornered.”

Wormwood: Excellent. What if complaining about the medium doesn’t provide enough leverage to fully disregard the coworker’s warning?

Screwtape: Complain about the tone of the message. The patient should say it’s too shrill, too aggressive, too vague, too patronizing, too familiar… too something. Whatever happens, you don’t want the patient actually engaging with the content of the message. Tone is a great way of leveraging room to avoid the message.

Wormwood: Interesting. What if the tone is perfect?

Screwtape: Timing. Complain about the timing of the message. Tell your patient to say, “This should have been brought to my attention months ago.” Between complaints about the medium, the tone, and the time, a full eighty percent of thoughtful criticism can be avoided.”

-from my latest for CiRCE